Looking at the tubes connected to her frail, wizened body, I felt a terrible cloying sickness inside me.

Death wasn’t something I wanted to contemplate. She was going to die: no question. The only question was how soon and how painfully. And how much would I let it affect me.

The sense of hopelessness and helplessness was actually heavy. I could feel it on my shoulders and it was heavy. There was nothing I could do to change her journey. Death is, at the end, a journey made totally alone and without a return ticket. Is there a destination? People have been arguing over that ever since people existed, but for me the answer was an easy one. I knew the answer to that question.

I suppose for most of us death isn’t the real fear. It’s what comes just before it. The possibility of terrible suffering; the uncertainty of how it will occur; the fear of loss of loved ones and our treasures. No, actual death is probably the easy part.

We’d had conversations about her condition and whether we should ‘assist’ her transition in any way. Each of her children had a view on that. But none of us had the stomach to say what we really felt. I wonder how many other children try to discuss euthanasia without ever discussing it? And of those who do, how many carry a terrible secret with them for the rest of their lives?

Near misses had happened many times before so we expected no different today and we all eventually took our turn to kiss her and tell her that we loved her and would be back tomorrow. All but one of us who stayed behind.

We anticipated the worst within the next few days, but we didn’t really discuss it as we left the hospital. If you say it out loud it might come true.

I got home around 10.43 p.m. and I was tired. It’s so exhausting when somebody’s terminally ill. It literally sucks the energy right out of you. But at least I was home now and away from the face of death’s new neighbour. I’d only had a few hours at the hospital because I’d been kept back at work to fix a problem the boss had created. And as usual waiting until the last possible minute to deal with it and then waiting some more he decided to ask for a fix at 6 p.m. I’d fixed it by 7.15 and was at the hospital by 7.40

Broke a few speed laws to get there because I didn’t want anyone to think I’d put work first. But of course that’s exactly what I had done. Still, I’ll go early tomorrow and spend some extra time.

Funny really, but I was never too tired to eat. It was late to be having a big meal, but I was pretty hungry so I did. Probably got to bed around 11.45 and fell to sleep dreaming about quitting work. I have young children who are growing up and I’m practically a stranger to them with work.

The sound was indistinct at first and I was still in that dazed state when you’re trying to wake up. Telephone. It was the telephone. Pitch black in the room so it was still night. My fuzzy eyes could just make out that it was about 12.31 am. No call at that time is good.

Of course, as I got downstairs, banging my toes on unseen obstacles along the way, the phone stopped ringing. My answering machine had kicked in, bu at least it was on monitor. No message left. I started the slow process of turning the machine off – why are they so hard to work when you’re half-asleep? – and the phone rang again. Cheap answering machines won’t let you intervene and pick up the call if they’ve already done so.

No message again.

By this time my wife had joined me and she was more awake so she switched the thing off. Only took one click of a button. Why had it been so hard for me?

The phone rang again.

My sister’s voice, calm and measured, ever the health professional. Twenty years of medical training and experience will do that to you.

“She’s passed. The others are at the hospital now.”

Now I was wide awake and getting dressed and finding my keys and putting on my shoes and looking for my wallet and grabbing my phone and thinking fast. Einstein was right about relativity. Time does move differently depending on the observer. At least the roads were quiet as I drove the 3 miles to hospital.

Walking up to the automatic doors I could see my brother and sister inside, waiting for me.

Walking through those doors was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

==========
Author’s note:
For a long time (it’s why I started this blog in the first place) I’ve wanted to write a novel. Like so many of us. Just never seemed able to get started.

This is part of the first chapter of that novel. Frankly, I don’t yet know if I’ll do what other would-be writers do and give up after so far. Or whether I’ll finish it. The question of publication isn’t even in the arena at this stage. The one thing I do know is that I would like to finish a novel, warts and all, even if it proves to me that I can’t write. At least it would prove to me that I can finish and that would be something to take comfort in.

I’ll be posting more parts on Fridays. It seems a schedule commitment I can work to.

Seems people are claiming they have found Jesus’ body. If it’s true, it opens up all kinds of questions and if it’s not true then it’s just a cruel hoax played by somebody who – may – just be wanting some good publicity. Well, if it’s just publicity, it’s working.

Seems over 4,000 people have already registered their comments. I’ve elected not to leave mine, simply because whatever my faith, or lack of it, may be it will not affect the outcome of the ‘unveiling’ on Monday. James Cameron, the filmmaker, is doing the unveiling. I seriously hope they don’t have Jesus, Joseph or Mary. I can’t imagine anything less edifying than seeing dead bodies paraded around to promote a film.

I was a large child, but at the age of 8 I was nowhere near as large as this young chap in the video below. If you click the play button you’ll see something that makes you wonder what goes on in the heads of some parents. There’s a 10 second advert before the actual video news clip.

I have some experience of what goes on inside a parent’s head. My own used to think that plying me with sweets was a sign of love. Her intent was excellent, but she didn’t foresee the likely effect on a little child. I think the current generation have it even worse than I did because there is just so much choice out there – and a lot of it is just not healthy.

I shudder to think what health problems are going to occur over the next 30-50 years. The UK and the US have alarmingly high obesity rates and it’s getting worse!

Electronic spy ‘bugs’ have been secretly planted in hundreds of thousands of household wheelie bins. The gadgets transmit information about the contents of the bins to a central database which then keeps records on the waste disposal habits of each individual address.

No, really. You couldn’t make it up. Perhaps David Icke is more right than I thought.

How dare they? I mean, really. How dare they? If the government/councils need to keep tabs on us for the waste we produce so they can encourage more earth-friendly disposal then why not tell us what they are doing? Covert surveillance of the populace is never a good indication of the bona fides of the watcher. Even Orwell couldn’t have predicted how far the state would go.

I recently watched Enemy of the State starring Will Smith. When it was made it seemed a little far-fetched, but I suspect it’s nowhere near the reality. I read about some CEO who was trying to hide from the authorities who was traced via a Skype call he made. Excuse me? Big Brother is already here and he ain’t backing down.

technorati tags:surveillance, 1984, big+brother, state