I saw the final episodes of Will and Grace a couple of days ago. For a sitcom ending, it wasn’t bad, but it made me sad. Lately, I’ve been feeling old and even though 47 is not that old my physical condition makes me more like a 65 year old, I suppose. I fear how I will be when I’m much older. And thoughts of that final journey fill me with a dread, although I have no reason to suppose it will be any worse – or any sooner – for me than for anyone else.
I wrote this to try to get it out of my system. It’s certainly made me feel a little less maudlin about ageing. I think I tied myself into a bit of a straitjacket by going for rhyming couplets, but once I’d started I couldn’t really stop, so here it is.
The doorway
I know I am close to that small, low door.
My journey soon will cease.
My lifetime of memories but a poor,
and distant cousin waiting for peace.
I once was young – weren’t we all?
Too soon made old and frail,
borne aloft on a funeral pall,
in which skin sags waxen and pale.
My fear of death is not so great,
as the fear of age itself,
tied inexorably to my ultimate fate,
which sits there waiting, on my shelf
Mocking me, teasing me,
bidding me visit and then,
releasing me, easing me,
into that permanent den.
Life is short, they tell me in stories,
every day could be your last.
Why then the thought that less always more is?
What of the dreams I’ve amassed?
Do they die with me, undreamt?
Do they pass onto others to dream anew?
Let me the answer pre-empt.
I believe they pass on, to him and her – and you.
My fear of unbeing is only a nightmare.
Unbeing is just the beginning,
of new lives fresh and vital, free of care,
new dreams being dreamed as the stars go on spinning.
So hear me, children and heed my wishes.
Make the most of your days and your dreams,
for your time is but short and the secret this is,
life’s never as long at it seems.
***
Boy, I can be miserable when I want to be!
Reality check: if I got off my enormous behind, exercised regulary and lost a ton of weigh (and by ton, I mean almost literally a ton) I suspect I’d have a few more years to look forward to and the energy to enjoy them.
Hi Amin,
I saw Will & Grace this week too, and I also found it to be rather anti-climatic. It’s rather sad that the end of that ridiculous show has led you to think of your own end. I guess I just wasn’t that much of a fan. I admit that the end of Buffy/Angel was a dark day in my universe.
I’m really struggling with my weight at the moment too. You may want to try walking as a gentle way of getting physical, or you could jump right in and join a gym. You need to think about the best way to get yourself moving, but remember that you’re not going to stick to it if you don’t enjoy it.
Btw, thanks for bigging up my blog the other day, just saw that on my travels.
Hi PJ.
It wasn’t the fact that W&G ended that made me maudlin, it was the very last scene where the fabulous four were shown in middle-age, reminiscing, then all of a sudden they were young and vibrant and youthful again.
God, I’m making myself tearful as I write. I feel I’m getting so old and trapped in an old man’s body that no longer functions the way it should.
You’re so right about weight loss. All it takes is some movement, but at nearly 14 stones heavier than I should be (that’s a whole, really fat person on my shoulders) just getting out of bed is a struggle! I can barely stand for more than 5 minutes without suffering so I’m in a bit of bad way and I think that’s what’s really making me feel so sorry for myself. A trait which, I confess, I find rather irritating.
I like your blog a lot, so you’re welcome for the ‘big up’ (bit of a modern term for a codger like me!!!)
Amin, your melancholy post has moved me greatly. I think because we have all been there; we can all relate. Growing old, pitying oneself occasionally especially at the lowest points in our lives, feeling helpless — are all very human traits. Your poem writes about it so eloquently, so viscerally, that how can the reader not respond with thoughts of their own fears and helplessness.
Wonderful written poem. And thank you for stopping by my site as well. Your response was beautiful.
Thank you for visiting, Jasmin, and adding your comments. You’re right, of course. Self-pity and despair are very human failings and yet without them I wonder how special joy and confidence would feel?
I also know that very often when I feel low like this it’s only a prelude to a higher place. Overall I’m a pretty upbeat guy, really!
Amin,
Your poem was beautiful. Sad but uplifting at the same time. I like to think that when I’m gone, I will live forever through my children and their children…
Lovely poem.
Amin, I feel for you, but I also know that the answer is within. What we all need is a healthy dose of love for ourselves, and then everything falls into place. Learn to love your body with all its flaws, and then you will be prepared to change whatever it is that make you unhappy about it. One thing at a time. All the best friend.
And more than anything, keep writing. You will see the beauty for yourself through the pictures you paint in words.
Saaleha, I think you’re right about that, but as I look at my picture (which I’ll post later) I am filled with a self-loathing for my body and the state I have allowed myself to fall into.
I have nobody to blame but me and I know it’s something in my head, rather than my body. I respond very well to exercise and was quite athletic in my youth. I just have no idea where to go from here – I’ve tried everything; acupuncture, meditation, diets, self-hypnosis. There’s something deep rooted that I need to dig out.
Hope I find it soon!
Hey – it’s just another mid-life crisis, smile
Every time I think about losing weight I put some on
Forget it and it goes away on its own, I think it thrives on attention
Smile again
You’re certainly right about the mid-life crisis, Derec. I’m not sure that ignoring it works though – it never has for me!
I think I’m going to join an ashram somewhere and starve for months – see if that does any good. And just think how much time I’ll have for plotting great stories!
Wait, I’ve just realised I have to work so I can afford to live. Hmmm, kind of throws a spanner in the works.
I guess I should just ‘do it’ as Nike would say.
I’m certainly about to put myself up to public ridicule over the next few days to see if that will help…
Hi Amin,
I know when I first started reading you that you were already feeling down about your weight. Then Lehane’s stories cheered you up and you had a new lease of life with your writing. That was inspiring for me to see. But then the finger thing happened and perhaps a couple of other things.
I believe you will feel better soon. It’s always a process to rise back to normality after a sickness or slight sadness. But you will soon.
You’re not old.
You’re going to be a highly-clever author with lots of important things to say as you already do. Your comments on my blog are often extraordinary and you reflect your own style.
Your short stories are interesting…masculine, tightly-clipped and clever.
47 is not old.
Your life can start again the next minute if you want it to.
big hug
I don’t know if the public ridicule is a good thing. Might make you more miserable. Really, Amin, take it from me, it truly is about loving yourself, lumps and bumps in place. Then the problem does go away on its own. No struggle with the self. But you’re right about the emotional thing. You have to get to the bottom of it.
Susan, thank you for the hug, it’s appreciated.
I think you’re so right about the process of rising back to normality – which for me is an upbeat and cheerful state of mind. I suppose what is difficult is not being physically able to do all the things I have in my head – and there’s a lot in there, believe me!
Saaleha, I know in my heart that loving oneself is a major part of the cure – even the Bible instructs us to love ourselves as we love others – yet whatever dark process is in my head preventing me from doing it is a hidden and elusive assailant. I know that once I find that assailant and view him in full daylight he will evaporate – it’s just that the search is taking longer than I would like.
I’m sure when I find him I’ll also get a great story out of it, which I’ll post here.
Eventually!
The answers are all within and a good dose of self love, self respect and determination to make things better, will do wonders. Trust me, I know. And Susan is right, you can start your life again any time you want to. You just have to want to – and then when you want to, absolutely anything becomes possible. So dream big, reach high and be gentle with yourself.
Atyllah, I agree with you when you say you can do anything as soon as you want to. It’s something I’ve known many times in my life – that feeling of certainty and inevitability followed by a manifestation of whatever it was I had called into existence by the mere belief that it would come.
Once I get to that point of inevitability about my weight/health I know things will change. I’m just not sure *how* to get to that point consciously – it always seems just out of reach. But only just.
I’m certainly feeling very upbeat today and I’m not obsessing about food as I normally do (believe me, that’s a relief!).
You’re right about dreaming big and reaching high, too. How often do we talk ourselves out of trying something ‘just in case’ it doesn’t work? Well, it sure won’t work if we don’t try it.
Thanks for your comments.
Hi again Amin, you’ve made a very important step already – this is not public humiliation – just plain old honesty and honesty is a very positive attribute – you are brave too, another positive attribute
So, you are honest and brave and you have already proved yourself to be a caring and sensitive human being and a good writer to boot
Why not pop over to the Minx’s blog who has just set herself up as an agony aunt – you might even get a laugh out of it
that’s a lot of bloody positive vibes all rolled into one
way to go Amin!
Lovely poem, Amin. Not because it highlights your apprehensions, but because it holds the eternal promise of dreams staying alive. Beautiful expression, and I am glad you shared it.
Saaleha is right. Once you accept what IS, you are guided by a natural intelligence to do what is good/right for you. Try resisting what is, and the results are self-pity, fear, and all those obnoxious mind devils. Just know you are loved, and stay relaxed.
Sometimes we have to go really low and sometimes we have to reach really deep within to reach the point of inevitability, that point of knowing and of being and almost non-being. These kind of great steps never seem to come easily but if you hold to yourself, believe in yourself and your dreams, you will surely overcome. I believe in you.
Thanks for the positives, Skint. I’ll be checking Minx’s blog/agony aunt column, as you suggest!
Thank you, Bhaswati, for what you said about the poem. I’ve just re-read it myself and realised that I’m speaking to my children in it. Literally the embodiment of all that I am. Just as an aside, I can’t even conceive of not existing. The very idea is alien to me. To tell the truth I find it hard to understand that there is life outside of me and my experience – how can there be so many consciousnesses out there? Surely, there’s just really one? Your point about mind devils is well taken – it certainly strikes a chord for me.
Atyllah, I know what you mean about going really low. There’s only up from there, isn’t there? And I so agree with your comment about belief in self and dreams. I forget who said ‘whether we think we can or think we can’t, we’re probably right’. But I know what they meant.
This evening I took my children walking round a shopping complex after school and then went to a shopping mall on the way home and did some more walking. Physically it was hard to do, but I loved spending time with my children and moving with them. They loved it too. I shall be doing more of the same tomorrow evening – I’m looking forward to it…
Hey once again…
I liked the universal message of the poem, and how you go it across… life is not that long, ouch…
Hope you have a good day…
Hi,
what a reflective poem…very well written!
abhay